Why I didn’t report my rape #36 – “they didn’t protect me”

[TRIGGER WARNING: rape]

The year was 1994 when i was doing my Grade 1 before that i was staying with my GrandMa but that year i had to move in with my Mom (who is disabled) and My Stepdad. My Stepdad was an abusive man towards my mom especially when he is drunk. so we stayed in a 1 room shack.

During my stay with them my Stepdad started to rape me (i am not sure if it was rape or Molestation because he used to put his penis in my vagina but not entering me and used to be Painful) and he will tell me if i tell my mom he will tell her that i was naughty or misbehaving (He did this because he knew i was afraid of my Mom because i think my Mom used to take out her anger on me) everytime after the rape he will give me money and say i should not tell my Mom.

I didn’t understand what was going on until when i was 12 when at school they started telling us about rape but still i was afraid to tell my mom. the rape happen everytime when my mom went to church because she used to leave me and when my stepdad lost his job it got worse because my mom was working locally and he was staying at home eventually when i was 13 i got pregnant.

My mom saw that i was pregnant when i was 3 month pregnant and when she asked me who was the boy i didn’t know what to say to her because i used to beat boys my age because i was angry i finaly told her it was my stepdad all she said to me because it was at night and my dad was out she said “go to sleep and i will talk to your father”. and nothing was done except i had to go to the hospital when i was 5 month pregnant to do an abortion and i was fetch from the hospital after the abortion by my stepdad because my Mom said he is the one who got me pregnant he must fetch me. No counselling was given to me. Then after my stepdad started abusing me Physically and emotionally until i meet my husband got married when i was 17 in matric because i needed to get out of their Home. i Forgive my Mom, Stepdad and Grandma because they didn’t nothing to protect me. But i didn’t report it for me i never knew what was going on until i was 12 and i had no idea where who to trust and i was ashamed of myself that i let that happen for so long

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PLEASE NOTE: The “Why I didn’t report” stories are submitted by rape survivors and victims from around South Africa (and a couple from abroad) as well as by their family members and friends. These stories are published anonymously at the request of the authors. Please do not re-publish these stories outside of this website without my permission, as I have to clear this with the author of the story. This is in order to maintain the integrity of the authors’ stories, as well as respect their privacy. Please help me create safe spaces for survivors to tell their stories by respecting this request.

If you would like to include your story in this conversation, please email me: michelle at journoactivist dot com. I will assume anonymity for all submissions unless specified otherwise.

If you are rape survivor and need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to call the ‘Stop Gender Violence’ helpline at 0800 150 150.